There is no way to preface this or make it somehow bearable to write about.
In April, I made one of the most difficult and painful decisions in my life. Without any huge earth shattering event, or even much anger, I came to the decision that my children and I can no longer endure the treatment we have received for far too long. I asked Ray to move out, and I meant it. I didn't feel at the time like I meant it, but I came to that later. We entered the process of Mediation and filed for divorce. The pain that has become my life for the past several months has been horrible. The second guessing, the roller coaster of emotions, the false guilt, etc. God has been with me, and so have my family who are in another realm of existence. My friends and family here on earth continue to hold my hand through long days and discouragement. How I love the God who made me! He has shown me once again his power to make our loads lighter and to heal hearts.
Today, I gave Ray his Wedding band back. We both cried. 19 years of memories are sitting on my heart today. It has all become so bittersweet. I loved him for a very long time. I still do. There are no instructions on how to detach from someone. It is against all that is loving and natural for us as humans, and especially as women.
I have made some decisions that I should have made differently. However, I have three sweet boys that are my life, and for that reason I have to say that I don't regret these years or this marriage.
This is a sad day. As always, I hope that tomorrow will be brighter.
