I have spent the last year and a half in search of healing and peace. That has lead me on a journey of sorts.
First, there was prayer. They were desperate prayers, almost always in tears with snot running down my face. I would beg for help and struggled to believe I would ever be okay again. One late night, I read a passage about King David, It said that David could wield a sword, a shepherd's staff, and a writing utensil with equal skill. I was struck through the heart with that thought. I remembered a dear poetry friend once telling me that if I wanted to read the best prose in the world, I should read the Psalms of David in the bible. I opened my bible to Psalms and began to read. David's words spoke to me, His amazing faith and courage in God. His sins and his impassioned pleas for forgiveness to a God he loved so much. I needed those words. I began to read them out loud before I prayed. Usually with tears streaming down my face. I felt the strength of this great king's words, and found that he could not only do all those things I read about, but his words could also change a heart. I prayed to God with new strength and felt a change in my life. He heard me and carried me, even though I was in so much pain.
I started see a counselor and writing in a journal about all the decisions I had to make, and my needed recovery from the abuse I had suffered.
A friend suggested I try yoga. I went to yoga class scared and feeling awkward, but in desperate longing for something that could bring peace to my mind and heart. I had been told it would help. For the first few classes, I was sweaty and exhausted, but would go home feeling so good. Eventually, I started looking forward to it and actually feeling light and great afterward. I lost weight, and my heart rate slowed down so I could sleep better at night. I took a meditation class with my yoga instructor. I learned to quiet my mind and listen. My blood pressure eventually lowered enough that my doctor cut my meds way down.
I have learned the importance of rituals. My rituals are prayer, meditation, scripture reading, yoga, and writing. They go in different orders, but all are important to my spirituality, my health, and my sanity.
Do I still suffer? Absolutely. But God is stronger than all of this. Stronger than my fears and my grief. He brings what I need into my life, and I depend on Him always. There is a healing and renewal happening in my soul and in my bones. I pray it will continue. I am so thankful for this journey and what I have learned. I live life differently... so differently. God is great!
