Christmas time!

It's Christmas time at our house.  That means two trees, lots of lights, traditional movies, Christmas music, and being so grateful for the things God has blessed us with as a family.  My name is legally Julin again, and my boys are very happy about that.  Though life is a struggle as a single parent family, we all love each other and remain thankful. 

We decorated the inside of our home together.  Carson and Micah surprised me with the lights on the house.  Dakota picked me up from work and took me shopping to give them time to finish, and surprise me when we returned. 

I love the warmth of this season.  It is my very favorite. 

Peace and renewal

I have spent the last year and a half in search of healing and peace.  That has lead me on a journey of sorts. 

First, there was prayer.  They were desperate prayers, almost always in tears with snot running down my face.  I would beg for help and struggled to believe I would ever be okay again.  One late night, I read a passage about King David,  It said that David could wield a sword, a shepherd's staff, and a writing utensil with equal skill.  I was struck through the heart with that thought.  I remembered a dear poetry friend once telling me that if I wanted to read the best prose in the world, I should read the Psalms of David in the bible.  I opened my bible to Psalms and began to read.  David's words spoke to me,  His amazing faith and courage in God.  His sins and his impassioned pleas for forgiveness to a God he loved so much.  I needed those words.  I began to read them out loud before I prayed.  Usually with tears streaming down my face.  I felt the strength of this great king's words, and found that he could not only do all those things I read about, but his words could also change a heart.  I prayed to God with new strength and felt a change in my life.  He heard me and carried me, even though I was in so much pain.

I started see a counselor and writing in a journal about all the decisions I had to make, and my needed recovery from the abuse I had suffered.

A friend suggested I try yoga.  I went to yoga class scared and feeling awkward, but in desperate longing for something that could bring peace to my mind and heart.  I had been told it would help.  For the first few classes, I was sweaty and exhausted, but would go home feeling so good.  Eventually, I started looking forward to it and actually feeling light and great afterward.  I lost weight, and my heart rate slowed down so I could sleep better at night.  I took a meditation class with my yoga instructor.  I learned to quiet my mind and listen.  My blood pressure eventually lowered enough that my doctor cut my meds way down.

I have learned the importance of rituals.  My rituals are prayer, meditation, scripture reading, yoga, and writing. They go in different orders, but all are important to my spirituality, my health, and my sanity.

Do I still suffer?  Absolutely. But God is stronger than all of this.  Stronger than my fears and my grief.  He brings what I need into my life, and I depend on Him always.  There is a healing and renewal happening in my soul and in my bones.  I pray it will continue.  I am so thankful for this journey and what I have learned.  I live life differently... so differently.  God is great!

Rodeo night with the boys

This week has been the Utah County Fair.  That means I have been alone all week in my office "holding down the fort" while my co-workers helped with the fair.  Last night was rodeo night.  I enjoyed the evening with two of my boys and their friends.

And I ate one of the largest barbecued beef sandwiches ever.  The moon was beautiful and it was a great night. It brought back a lot of memories.  I grew up going to rodeos with my cowboy Dad and my godfather (his best friend).  I do love cowboys.

Micah's first day of school, and a morning in my life... with teenagers

"Time" gave my a huge reality check today.  It is Micah's first day of his sophomore year of high school.  He can't be this old.  But he is.  The new Provo High School is two blocks away from our house.  He is starting this year in a brand new school.  I'm proud of Micah.  He faces challenges head on and always with a smile.  Even though he sometimes gets anxiety, he pushes through.  Life hasn't been easy for us, and Micah has really been a "rock" all the way through. 

Back to my morning... I had to weave my way through my garage, because there is so many projects and auto equipment that I can't fit a vehicle in.  After I found my way out, I almost ran over Micah's friend, who was sleeping in his car at the back of my driveway.  Why you ask?  Good question.  I guess I will find out later.  For now, it's just another day at the Julin house. 

I'm grateful for my family, no matter how unconventional we may be.

New paint job

You might have noticed that we painted our house.  In October, we worked our four little selves silly repainting the larger part of our home.  I was so tired of the antique white walls and chose a heritage color (wythe blue).  Those vaulted ceilings were daunting, to say the least!  It was a huge job and we have all agreed that we won't do that again for awhile.  However, I love it so much!

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2017

We decorated like crazy.  We had two Christmas trees and a yard and house full of lights.  I love the time of year so much!  We went to out for hot chocolate and looked at lights all through December.

2017 Holiday Catch Up

I am looking back now to catch up this blog.  Paul left our home on July 14, 2017, so this was a year of firsts as a single (well ... separated) mom again.  Despite my tears and struggles, it was a lovely holiday time. We went all out to make it fun.

Ray came to visit in August.  It was the first time we had seen him since he left in 2012.  It was a little rough, but he seems changed and gentler.  It was a shock to see how his health has declined and how old he looks. He apologized to all of us for the way he treated us.  I think it was a good thing for the boys.

Uncle John and Aunt Marian visited for Halloween time.  Carson wore my clothes, fake lashes, a wig for school.  He even found size eleven pumps, which looked perfect with his hairy legs. Highlights of this costume included Micah, me, and Carson at Walmart around the bra rack, arguing about whether he needed a size 32 or 34A.  With three boys, I never thought I would be doing that!  Ha ha.  Also, I was a smurf at work, with my co-workers.

Double Birthday Celebration

This post is a catch up from Dec.20, 2017:

I took the day off for my birthday this year (Dec. 20).  My dear friend Katie was visiting from Kanab.  For the first time ever, we celebrated our birthdays together.  Hers is the 21st.  We ate an early lunch at Brick Oven with Dakota, Carson, and Micah.  Then we finished off with "A Christmas Carol" at the Hale Center Theater, which was fabulous!  All of this was topped off with cake and ice cream, of course.

Signs

I spent last night in tears and prayer, which I often do.  I was up for part of the night, slept a little, and woke up early.  I instantly noticed a pink tint through my curtain.  I smiled and ran to the window to this sunset.  I felt warmed and washed away in it.  What a demonstration of God's power and love for us.  Thank you, Father.  I got your message.

Words to live by

"Always remember, your focus determines your reality."

                                                     - George Lucas

Visiting Ghosts and Ground

My new chapbook "Visiting Ghosts and Ground" is now on pre-sale on the publisher's website.  I will post a pic of the cover when I receive it.  I am so grateful for this blessing.  Here is the link for purchase:

https://www.finishinglinepress.com/product/visiting-ghosts-and-ground-by-stacy-dixon/

News from the poetry life

I am absolutely doing what I love to do.  I am raising three wonderful young men, and I am writing.  The same writing I have been doing since long before anyone ever read it.  It is good for my soul.  

Since I last wrote about this topic, I have been published in an online journal called Sweet Tree Review.  It is a poem called Night Muse.

Also, Word Fountain published an Ekphrastic poem of mine called Superimposed in their print journal.  On their website (with permission from the artist) they posted my poem along with the photograph I wrote it about.  That was very fun, and the editor David Bauman and I really enjoyed corresponding and discussing our work.

A brand new online journal Oyster River Pages published my poem Inheritance in their inaugural issue. They were fabulous to deal with, and will also publish an interview with me sometime in the next few months.

AND... best of all... Finishing Line Press accepted my new manuscript for publication!!!  The title will be "Visiting Ghosts and Ground."  It will be available for pre-order next month and will be published in March.  I am very happy and gearing up for promoting this second collection.  Thanks be to my Maker!

Grief and faith faith faith

I am very grateful for a God who loves me, who is carrying me once again.  I am thankful for the loving friends and family who continue to mop up my tears and shine a light on my path, even when it seems so dark. Five years ago, at this time, I was in an sadly similar situation.  As it was then, my personal life is rough but my writing career is on the rise. I always heard about artists suffering for their work.  It certainly has been weirdly true in my life, even though I've always put my family first.

Blooming

My grandmother lived a wonderful life.  When I knew her, she was sparkly with enthusiasm, a great piano player, painter, writer, etc.  However, she had a sad personal life, two divorces, and a myriad of other issues to deal with.  I remember that she had a beautiful violet in her living room.  I don't think I ever saw it without blooms.  She knew how to care for it.

This photo is of my violet on my desk at work.  When I came to this job, it was sick and almost dying.  I wanted to make it beautiful and did everything I could think of to help it.  The more I tried, the sicker it became.  Finally, Meredith (Horticulture Assistant) took it home, cut off it's roots, put it in water, and re-grew new roots.  She planted it and brought it back, hoping it would survive.  I followed all of her instructions carefully.  Now, almost a year later, this pretty little violet blooms almost constantly.  I pay attention to it.  If the blooms begin to die, I know something is wrong and needs to be changed.  I have learned a lot from it.

I think I am like my violet.  I understand her.

New Editor

Tiger's Eye posted this on their website today.  Whew... a new adventure!

http://www.tigerseyejournal.com/

My 23rd Mother's day

This blog is mostly for my children.  When I print it out, they will keep it.  So, for those few of you who read it, I hope you don't mind how personal it is.  This is one of those posts.  Happy Mother's Day!
Dakota, Carson, and Micah,

I once thought I would be a perfect mom, I'm not.  I also thought I would marry a wonderful man and stay married for the rest of my life.  That didn't happen either.  When I first started submitting the poetry that I had been writing all my life, I hoped for immortality.  That one day, my voice would be remembered by people, like Emily Dickinson's.  On my 23rd year as a mother, I am not sorry about any of those losses.  When I am put in the ground, I know that you will be all that is left of me.  You and your children will carry on my story and my memories.  As I look at my own mother's photo today, I hope that you will see me and remember me with lots of laughter and good times, as well as a few tears.  That you will remember all the silly things I do and the fun we have together.  All of the days at work, I really wish I could be home with you.  As for my writing and the words I leave for others, I hope it will remind you that I never gave up.  No matter how many times, I was met with rejection, I kept submitting until I achieved a level of success.  The best part of all of this is knowing that you are proud of me.  Maybe my years of trials and recovery have taught you to be resilient.  Life will push you down over and over again, but even when the rains pours on you, you can always get back up.  The sun will be out tomorrow, and your Heavenly Father will come to your aid.  I love you all so very much.

Love always,

Mom

My 2nd life

The news hasn't been announced publicly yet, but it's not a secret either.  I have been asked to join the staff of Tiger's Eye Press as a assistant editor.  This will not replace my day job, but will be more a labor of love in my spare time at home.  However, I am very very excited for this opportunity to learn, and to contribute to the wider world of poetry in new ways.  I love poets!

Primary visit

Today was Carson's annual Primary visit.  He received a great report, and my heart is very happy.  This is his last appointment with Dr. Williams as an underage child.  Next year, he will be 18, and Dr. Williams will still see him, but will be introducing him to the adult transition team.  Guaranteed, there will be tears then.  But today, I am just very grateful.  Always and always ... very grateful for my son and his good health.

I was looking through some of my photos of Primary.  Of course, there are baby ones because he spent his two first weeks of life there.  However, I thought it would be fun to post some of just the last few years.  My, how he has grown!

2010 - Right after heart catheter procedure (just to look inside with a camera).  Brave guy.

2012 - Appointment with Dr. Williams

Today (2017) - Heart Echo and appointment with Dr. Williams

Encouragement

I have always said that life is lived in the little moments.  Those moments sometimes keep us sane when times are rough.  I have had a few great little moments over the past few weeks.

Earlier this month, I learned that two of my poems will be published in an anthology called "Sand and Sky: Poems from Utah."  It is being published by the Rumi Poetry Club of Salt Lake City.  There will be a reading and book launch on May 6.  I plan to be there.

The most exciting thing happened a couple of weeks ago, when my new chapbook manuscript "Visiting Ghosts and Ground" was chosen as a semifinalist in Glass Lyre Press's Kithara book award. The announcement of the 8 semifinalists was posted on their Facebook page and social media.  It was a great honor to be chosen.   I held my breath for the next few days, but eventually received the news that I did not win the contest and publication.  It was disappointing, yes.  But still . . . so close.   I responded to the editors, who I respect a great deal, with a thank you.  Yesterday, they sent me a lovely email.  I'm doing a "copy and paste" because I want to remember these kind words.

Dear Stacy,

Thank you for your gracious response. Due to its high writing quality and atmospheric tone, it stood out during this contest period. Please take this as our enthused encouragement to continue to submit work in the future! We or any other publisher in the future would be lucky to have you.

Sincere regards,

Ami, Kelly, Linda & Mark

Submission EditorsGlass Lyre Press, LLCwww.GlassLyrePress.com

 

Just this...

Wild Geese

by Mary Oliver


You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.