Peace and renewal

I have spent the last year and a half in search of healing and peace.  That has lead me on a journey of sorts. 

First, there was prayer.  They were desperate prayers, almost always in tears with snot running down my face.  I would beg for help and struggled to believe I would ever be okay again.  One late night, I read a passage about King David,  It said that David could wield a sword, a shepherd's staff, and a writing utensil with equal skill.  I was struck through the heart with that thought.  I remembered a dear poetry friend once telling me that if I wanted to read the best prose in the world, I should read the Psalms of David in the bible.  I opened my bible to Psalms and began to read.  David's words spoke to me,  His amazing faith and courage in God.  His sins and his impassioned pleas for forgiveness to a God he loved so much.  I needed those words.  I began to read them out loud before I prayed.  Usually with tears streaming down my face.  I felt the strength of this great king's words, and found that he could not only do all those things I read about, but his words could also change a heart.  I prayed to God with new strength and felt a change in my life.  He heard me and carried me, even though I was in so much pain.

I started see a counselor and writing in a journal about all the decisions I had to make, and my needed recovery from the abuse I had suffered.

A friend suggested I try yoga.  I went to yoga class scared and feeling awkward, but in desperate longing for something that could bring peace to my mind and heart.  I had been told it would help.  For the first few classes, I was sweaty and exhausted, but would go home feeling so good.  Eventually, I started looking forward to it and actually feeling light and great afterward.  I lost weight, and my heart rate slowed down so I could sleep better at night.  I took a meditation class with my yoga instructor.  I learned to quiet my mind and listen.  My blood pressure eventually lowered enough that my doctor cut my meds way down.

I have learned the importance of rituals.  My rituals are prayer, meditation, scripture reading, yoga, and writing. They go in different orders, but all are important to my spirituality, my health, and my sanity.

Do I still suffer?  Absolutely. But God is stronger than all of this.  Stronger than my fears and my grief.  He brings what I need into my life, and I depend on Him always.  There is a healing and renewal happening in my soul and in my bones.  I pray it will continue.  I am so thankful for this journey and what I have learned.  I live life differently... so differently.  God is great!

Rodeo night with the boys

This week has been the Utah County Fair.  That means I have been alone all week in my office "holding down the fort" while my co-workers helped with the fair.  Last night was rodeo night.  I enjoyed the evening with two of my boys and their friends.

And I ate one of the largest barbecued beef sandwiches ever.  The moon was beautiful and it was a great night. It brought back a lot of memories.  I grew up going to rodeos with my cowboy Dad and my godfather (his best friend).  I do love cowboys.

Micah's first day of school, and a morning in my life... with teenagers

"Time" gave my a huge reality check today.  It is Micah's first day of his sophomore year of high school.  He can't be this old.  But he is.  The new Provo High School is two blocks away from our house.  He is starting this year in a brand new school.  I'm proud of Micah.  He faces challenges head on and always with a smile.  Even though he sometimes gets anxiety, he pushes through.  Life hasn't been easy for us, and Micah has really been a "rock" all the way through. 

Back to my morning... I had to weave my way through my garage, because there is so many projects and auto equipment that I can't fit a vehicle in.  After I found my way out, I almost ran over Micah's friend, who was sleeping in his car at the back of my driveway.  Why you ask?  Good question.  I guess I will find out later.  For now, it's just another day at the Julin house. 

I'm grateful for my family, no matter how unconventional we may be.

New paint job

You might have noticed that we painted our house.  In October, we worked our four little selves silly repainting the larger part of our home.  I was so tired of the antique white walls and chose a heritage color (wythe blue).  Those vaulted ceilings were daunting, to say the least!  It was a huge job and we have all agreed that we won't do that again for awhile.  However, I love it so much!

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2017

We decorated like crazy.  We had two Christmas trees and a yard and house full of lights.  I love the time of year so much!  We went to out for hot chocolate and looked at lights all through December.

2017 Holiday Catch Up

I am looking back now to catch up this blog.  Paul left our home on July 14, 2017, so this was a year of firsts as a single (well ... separated) mom again.  Despite my tears and struggles, it was a lovely holiday time. We went all out to make it fun.

Ray came to visit in August.  It was the first time we had seen him since he left in 2012.  It was a little rough, but he seems changed and gentler.  It was a shock to see how his health has declined and how old he looks. He apologized to all of us for the way he treated us.  I think it was a good thing for the boys.

Uncle John and Aunt Marian visited for Halloween time.  Carson wore my clothes, fake lashes, a wig for school.  He even found size eleven pumps, which looked perfect with his hairy legs. Highlights of this costume included Micah, me, and Carson at Walmart around the bra rack, arguing about whether he needed a size 32 or 34A.  With three boys, I never thought I would be doing that!  Ha ha.  Also, I was a smurf at work, with my co-workers.

Double Birthday Celebration

This post is a catch up from Dec.20, 2017:

I took the day off for my birthday this year (Dec. 20).  My dear friend Katie was visiting from Kanab.  For the first time ever, we celebrated our birthdays together.  Hers is the 21st.  We ate an early lunch at Brick Oven with Dakota, Carson, and Micah.  Then we finished off with "A Christmas Carol" at the Hale Center Theater, which was fabulous!  All of this was topped off with cake and ice cream, of course.