Three reasons

I've been five days on my new job.  In those five days, I have trained at 4 different clinics.  Don't get me wrong, the people are nice and I like the job.  Still . . . mind boggling!  As I have told my friends, I'm in that "I feel like an idiot" stage.  I know that things will come together for me, but it all seems like a lot right now.

So I came home tonight in a hurry, because Carson has a sinus infection and I needed to get him to his late doctor's appointment.  After the appointment and the pharmacy, I drove home thinking about the bills I still can't pay and the hours that are still not enough.  At home, I was met by a clean kitchen and my boys sitting all around me to tell me what happened in their day.  They are the three reasons I keep doing everything.  And as reasons go, they are the best :)

First day on the job. Check.

I'm so glad to officially be a working woman again.  Tonight, however, I'm more tired than clever.  My brain has been trying to absorb information all day.  I'm a bit saturated. 

I was at the Spanish Fork Clinic today.  Tomorrow, it's off to Orem.  Hopefully some good rest and a new day :) 

"Miracles happen to those who believe in them"

It's the light over the horizon, the rainbow at the end of a storm, the flashlight turned on at the end of the tunnel.  It's a job!  It's my job.  I received an offer from Intermountain Healthcare (which I just left in June, who knew?) for a Secretarial postion for the Physical Therapy and Ortho clinics.  I accepted the offer on Monday, and I start on Tuesday, Sept. 3.  There is no way to express how thankful I am.  It is not a full time position, but I will try to get extra hours.  It's a job!  A good one.  Thank you to God, for carrying me.

First day of 8th grade

Last year of Middle School, can you believe it?  He just keep growing up!  Carson is 5'7" now and loves that he is several inches taller than his mom.  He is not allowed to wear his "Stetson" to school, but would not let me take this pic without it.  He is his own person, and does a good job of representing that.  He does not care at all what others may think.  I am proud of Carson and the growth and maturity I see in him!

First day of 5th grade

Today was Micah's first day of 5th grade.  And even more than that, his first day in a brand new school, where he knew no one.  The shirt and the smile say it all.  He is Superman to me!  I'm so proud of him for taking this huge step.  He likes his teacher and seemed to have a really good day.  Yay, Micah!

A need to cry

There has never been time for grief.  I'm the responsible one, and I have been that since I was a child.  Tears and self pity must wait because there are others who need me.

Today I feel like I am walking barefoot down a long and lonely road.  On my shoulders I carry my house, with my children inside.  On top of that is their schools, my bills, and my sadness.  It's so heavy, but there is no place to sit everything down and rest.  No time for sadness.  Must press on.  There is no one to watch this.  It's my own private hell.

When I was a child, sometimes I wanted to run away to a secret place.  I want to run away now.  I want to run to a place where no one can find me or hear me.  At that place, I want to cry long and hard.  I want to weep until day has turned into night, and night into day again, and flowers have started to sprout from the ground. 

Growing up . . . independence and nail biting

13 years and five months ago, Greg DiRusso (Carson's heart surgeon) said to me, "One of the hardest things for you, with Carson, will be to let him be a normal kid.  When he's a forty year old man, he will still be your baby who had heart surgery."  Yip!!  How right he was!  Although Carson is very healthy and his friends fight to keep up with him, there is always that extra worry in my fevered brain.

Having said this, we both reached a milestone this week.  Carson was thrilled to leave on his first week long scout camp and I was happy to see him do that.  A bit stressed maybe, but happy for him.   There was the usual time of gathering supplies, getting his physical exam done, and packing up gear.  Then he was off with his group at 8:00 Monday morning.

Then it was time to buddy around with Micah and Dakota.  Micah loved the first few days of going on every errand with me, and just talking about whatever.  Talking runs in our family :)  Anyway, I had this really beautiful moment with him.  We were driving in our vehicle and somehow got on the subject of  saying verbally to people how much we love them.  I said that children are never too old, nor parents too busy to say "I love you" to each other.  Micah said something about ,"Well, there may be a time, like if you were in the hospital with oxygen or something."   To which I replied, "Then I would use my last breath to tell you how much I love you."  There was silence from the seat next to me.  When I looked over, he was wiping tears from his eyes.  "I know you love me that much, Mom."  There are no words for how much I adore this boy!  Heart-breaker.