Sadness

There is no way to preface this or make it somehow bearable to write about.

In April, I made one of the most difficult and painful decisions in my life.  Without any huge earth shattering event, or even much anger, I came to the decision that my children and I can no longer endure the treatment we have received for far too long.  I asked Ray to move out, and I meant it.  I didn't feel at the time like I meant it, but I came to that later.  We entered the process of Mediation and filed for divorce.  The pain that has become my life for the past several months has been horrible.  The second guessing, the roller coaster of emotions, the false guilt, etc.  God has been with me, and so have my family who are in another realm of existence.  My friends and family here on earth continue to hold my hand through long days and discouragement.  How I love the God who made me!  He has shown me once again his power to make our loads lighter and to heal hearts.

Today, I gave Ray his Wedding band back.  We both cried.  19 years of memories are sitting on my heart today.  It has all become so bittersweet.  I loved him for a very long time.  I still do. There are no instructions on how to detach from someone.  It is against all that is loving and natural for us as humans, and especially as women. 

I have made some decisions that I should have made differently.  However, I have three sweet boys that are my life, and for that reason I have to say that I don't regret these years or this marriage. 

This is a sad day.  As always, I hope that tomorrow will be brighter.

Today's quote

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another" ~ Anatole France

Father's Day

I have decided to post the same photo here that I posted on Facebook.  It is of my Dad and my Uncle Eddie.  The last time I saw my beloved Uncle, we sat out in his backyard and he told me that he remembered me always calling him "Uncle Eddie."  He said he liked that very much.  So . . . he will continue to be referred to that way.

My Dad was a loving and patient man.  This photo is so typical of the man I knew.  He was most at home in the outdoors, and loved to sit around and chat with his loved ones.  He longed to live back in the old days of the West, when time moved slowly and people did things the old fashioned way.  When, as he always said, "you could throw a rock and not hit anything." 

Dad was master of many things, and bragged about none of them.  He was an expert marksman and taught Skeet shooting in the Marine Corp. during WW11.  He was a Firefighter for Provo City for over 30 years.  He loved to hunt, fish, ride horses, and spend time with family.  He called me "Mego" because when I was little, everytime he would get his coat out of the closet, I would run to get mine, and yell  "Me go, Daddy.  Me go!"  The name stuck. 

Happy Father's Day to you, Dad!  Thank you for your unconditional love and your laugh and your sparkly blue eyes.  And thanks for staying so close to me right now.  I know you are with me.

Is anyone out there?

I started this blog as a journal for me, and also a little keepsake for my kids as well.  Sort of just a hodge podge of our daily comings and goings.  Anyone who would care to read it would just be a plus, a way to connect with my family and my friends.  Lately, as I post, I wonder if anyone reads this anymore.  I'm feeling alone in more ways than one.

I shouldn't be up at this hour.  I once adored the nighttime.  The time alone to think and contemplate my life, and to write.  Not so much anymore.  Night brings so much grief for things that should have been. 

Rescue Pad

God is great.  There is no doubt.  I am so thankful for that fact.

Today I am raising a toast to those of you who are painfully watching me hanging from this window ledge by my finger nails.  Those who call messages of support when I feel like letting go.  I can hear you. I know that you are still there underneath me with that big rescue pad thing, to catch me if needed.   You know who you are, and I love you.

Today

"I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been."

The Blue Fairy

I worked at the Library today.  I wanted to be home on a Saturday, but knew I needed to get some more hours in. 

While there, we were working on an idea for a calendar for our manager (Sharon).  We always give her a calendar with pictures of each of us on our birthday month.  This time, the Clerks have decided that we each need to be assigned a Disney character that fits us.  We were all anxious to know which character they had chosen for us.  They told me that I am the "Blue Fairy" from Pinocchio.  I inquired why they chose her.  Emily said, "Because she is elegant and kind.  She's wise, poetic, and gives good advice.  That's who you are to us."  What a nice compliment that is to me.  Now you know why I love my Library friends so much.