My passion

My neighbor and friend gave me great news a couple of days ago.  He told me that Lance Larsen is the new Utah State Poetry Laureate.  It's a deserving honor for a great (and generous) writer.

Dan also brought a copy of Lance's latest book to me.  I've been reading it, and loving every word. 

Then something wonderful happened.  For the first time in months, I want to write.  I really want to write!  I even got out the chapbook manuscript that I started compiling a year ago.  I feel like a part of me is waking up, like I've come back to life.  A piece of the sadness has been replaced with a piece of hope. 

Maybe I am still the same person, and my struggles have not robbed me of my passions permanantly.  Maybe I'm still me.

A quote

My amazing neighbor (Andy) sent me this quote.  I love it so much that I wanted to share it.

"I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings.   We are not separate from them. ... We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors ... who have preceded us into the spirit world.  We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. ... If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, ... how much more certain it is... to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond... can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. ... We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever.  For now they see the dangers that beset us; ... their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves."
~ Joseph F. Smith

School days again

A half day of work, one child almost ready to start classes at UVU, two "back to school" events, and one exhausted mom.  Check.

One foot in front of the other . . .

Some days are better than others.  Nights are long, but the sun always comes up on schedule and we push forward.  My boys are starting school next week, so it is a busy time.  I am not sure yet how this will work, with all of their school schedules and my two jobs.  Life at our house is one day at a time.  I am just grateful to be able to accomplish the little things.  Grateful for the blessings and the kindnesses. 

Sadness

There is no way to preface this or make it somehow bearable to write about.

In April, I made one of the most difficult and painful decisions in my life.  Without any huge earth shattering event, or even much anger, I came to the decision that my children and I can no longer endure the treatment we have received for far too long.  I asked Ray to move out, and I meant it.  I didn't feel at the time like I meant it, but I came to that later.  We entered the process of Mediation and filed for divorce.  The pain that has become my life for the past several months has been horrible.  The second guessing, the roller coaster of emotions, the false guilt, etc.  God has been with me, and so have my family who are in another realm of existence.  My friends and family here on earth continue to hold my hand through long days and discouragement.  How I love the God who made me!  He has shown me once again his power to make our loads lighter and to heal hearts.

Today, I gave Ray his Wedding band back.  We both cried.  19 years of memories are sitting on my heart today.  It has all become so bittersweet.  I loved him for a very long time.  I still do. There are no instructions on how to detach from someone.  It is against all that is loving and natural for us as humans, and especially as women. 

I have made some decisions that I should have made differently.  However, I have three sweet boys that are my life, and for that reason I have to say that I don't regret these years or this marriage. 

This is a sad day.  As always, I hope that tomorrow will be brighter.

Today's quote

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another" ~ Anatole France

Father's Day

I have decided to post the same photo here that I posted on Facebook.  It is of my Dad and my Uncle Eddie.  The last time I saw my beloved Uncle, we sat out in his backyard and he told me that he remembered me always calling him "Uncle Eddie."  He said he liked that very much.  So . . . he will continue to be referred to that way.

My Dad was a loving and patient man.  This photo is so typical of the man I knew.  He was most at home in the outdoors, and loved to sit around and chat with his loved ones.  He longed to live back in the old days of the West, when time moved slowly and people did things the old fashioned way.  When, as he always said, "you could throw a rock and not hit anything." 

Dad was master of many things, and bragged about none of them.  He was an expert marksman and taught Skeet shooting in the Marine Corp. during WW11.  He was a Firefighter for Provo City for over 30 years.  He loved to hunt, fish, ride horses, and spend time with family.  He called me "Mego" because when I was little, everytime he would get his coat out of the closet, I would run to get mine, and yell  "Me go, Daddy.  Me go!"  The name stuck. 

Happy Father's Day to you, Dad!  Thank you for your unconditional love and your laugh and your sparkly blue eyes.  And thanks for staying so close to me right now.  I know you are with me.