"Miracles happen to those who believe in them"

It's the light over the horizon, the rainbow at the end of a storm, the flashlight turned on at the end of the tunnel.  It's a job!  It's my job.  I received an offer from Intermountain Healthcare (which I just left in June, who knew?) for a Secretarial postion for the Physical Therapy and Ortho clinics.  I accepted the offer on Monday, and I start on Tuesday, Sept. 3.  There is no way to express how thankful I am.  It is not a full time position, but I will try to get extra hours.  It's a job!  A good one.  Thank you to God, for carrying me.

First day of 8th grade

Last year of Middle School, can you believe it?  He just keep growing up!  Carson is 5'7" now and loves that he is several inches taller than his mom.  He is not allowed to wear his "Stetson" to school, but would not let me take this pic without it.  He is his own person, and does a good job of representing that.  He does not care at all what others may think.  I am proud of Carson and the growth and maturity I see in him!

First day of 5th grade

Today was Micah's first day of 5th grade.  And even more than that, his first day in a brand new school, where he knew no one.  The shirt and the smile say it all.  He is Superman to me!  I'm so proud of him for taking this huge step.  He likes his teacher and seemed to have a really good day.  Yay, Micah!

A need to cry

There has never been time for grief.  I'm the responsible one, and I have been that since I was a child.  Tears and self pity must wait because there are others who need me.

Today I feel like I am walking barefoot down a long and lonely road.  On my shoulders I carry my house, with my children inside.  On top of that is their schools, my bills, and my sadness.  It's so heavy, but there is no place to sit everything down and rest.  No time for sadness.  Must press on.  There is no one to watch this.  It's my own private hell.

When I was a child, sometimes I wanted to run away to a secret place.  I want to run away now.  I want to run to a place where no one can find me or hear me.  At that place, I want to cry long and hard.  I want to weep until day has turned into night, and night into day again, and flowers have started to sprout from the ground. 

Growing up . . . independence and nail biting

13 years and five months ago, Greg DiRusso (Carson's heart surgeon) said to me, "One of the hardest things for you, with Carson, will be to let him be a normal kid.  When he's a forty year old man, he will still be your baby who had heart surgery."  Yip!!  How right he was!  Although Carson is very healthy and his friends fight to keep up with him, there is always that extra worry in my fevered brain.

Having said this, we both reached a milestone this week.  Carson was thrilled to leave on his first week long scout camp and I was happy to see him do that.  A bit stressed maybe, but happy for him.   There was the usual time of gathering supplies, getting his physical exam done, and packing up gear.  Then he was off with his group at 8:00 Monday morning.

Then it was time to buddy around with Micah and Dakota.  Micah loved the first few days of going on every errand with me, and just talking about whatever.  Talking runs in our family :)  Anyway, I had this really beautiful moment with him.  We were driving in our vehicle and somehow got on the subject of  saying verbally to people how much we love them.  I said that children are never too old, nor parents too busy to say "I love you" to each other.  Micah said something about ,"Well, there may be a time, like if you were in the hospital with oxygen or something."   To which I replied, "Then I would use my last breath to tell you how much I love you."  There was silence from the seat next to me.  When I looked over, he was wiping tears from his eyes.  "I know you love me that much, Mom."  There are no words for how much I adore this boy!  Heart-breaker.

Thoughts about Diana

Today a new Prince was born in England.  The first born son of William and Kate, and heir to the throne.  It has been fun to watch the news on TV and for my kids to see all of the tradition that the English monarchy follows on a day that many countries are celebrating.  I am happy for the new young parents, but remember fondly the day that we watched as William himself was born and introduced to the world.  Of course those thoughts led to sentimental thoughts of his mother, a woman I much admired.

I remember setting my alarm and getting up at 3:00 a.m. with my mother, to watch the fairytale wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana.  We knew it would be a once in a lifetime event to see, and I still remember it in detail.  Through the next years, we watched as the royal couple were blessed with two boys, and Diana grew into a more confident woman and pursued her own path and work.  It made my heart sad  to see her suffering as she so painfully and publicly dealt with health problems and the crumbling of her marriage.  Obviously depressed and tortured, she pressed on.  She raised her children and continued to represent kindness and charity all over the world, until her tragic death.  I remember exactly where I was when I heard on TV that she had been killed in a car accident.  Like the rest of the world, I could not believe it.  I grieved for the loss of this amazing person.

Now as a woman with children, who has suffered some of the same pain that she did, I admire Diana even more than I did all those years ago.  Today, on the birth of her first grandchild, I thought of her and the example of love that she set for her children.  The trail that she blazed for them.  Hopefully they will carry that on with this little one.

Faith over fear . . . Faith over fear . . . There is always a way . . . There is always a way

I am still a believer.  Help will come.  It must.

This is part of what I think every night before I fall to sleep.  The particulars of why my job ended last week does not matter.  It does matter that I must find a new one soon.  That I cannot pay my bills.  It matters that three beautiful children depend on me.  The fear sometimes threatens to strangle me.  No.  I cannot let my children see that.  I don't want them to be afraid.  We've had enough of that.  I know that God will send help somehow.  I must believe.