Father's Day again

Well, it's Father's Day again, and there is that lump in my throat.  That tear in my eye.   I miss my own Dad more than I can say with these insufficient words.  I often think of him and how much he must love to watch his grandsons from Heaven, and how much he would have enjoyed teaching them all the things that I have told them about.  My Dad taught me about being a steady and good man.  About going to work everyday without complaint, and in his case, knowing he could be risking his life doing it.  He also taught me love and patience.  I'm not sure I ever heard him seriously raise his voice to me.  

Now as I raise my boys with little contact with their father, I ache for them.  This day is a troubled one with mixed emotions for us all.  However, I am grateful for my memories.  I am also grateful for the men in our lives who are so good to my boys.  They, who have no obligation to us, but stay in our lives anyway, deserve a wish for Father's Day.  

Dad, you must know how I miss you.  I'm still your Mego.  

                                

An additional Mother's Day moment

I was told possibly the best thing anyone has ever said to me the other day.

My children are Whovians.  They all love "Doctor Who."  They must be related to someone :)  Anyway, Micah was laying on my bed at bedtime, scared from something he had watched.  We were talking to get his mind off of the scary thing.  He said to me, "Mom, you know how Dr. Who, when they are in a bad situation, always says 'I've got something they don't,' well that's the way I have always felt about you.  I've felt that way since I was a little kid.  I have something they don't. I have you."

I think my heart just broke.  So sweet.

Mother's Day

This is my beautiful mother.  She always said that she was never as pretty as me.  I think she sincerely believed that, but well . . . just look at her.  Of course, I didn't know her when she was this young.  This is her graduation photo.  It was 1944 and she was 18 years old.  World War 11 was going on, and there were no boys her age in her graduating class because they were gone to war or to heaven.  She lost many friends in the war, and others came home, never to be the same.  My father was in the war also, a skeet shooting instructor.  She met him two years later, and he was the love of her life.   

She could not have known at this time that I would not be born for 22 more years.  Her first and only little red headed daughter, who she gave birth to at the age of 41.  She was the most young at heart of all my friends parents, even though she was much older in years.  Always a good sport and able to laugh at herself.  Mom had a strength that cannot be explained with words.  It was a kindness, but a firey heart.  She made me feel that I could do anything, be anyone.  When I lost her from this earth, I lost the only person who will ever feel that way about me.  That love only a mother can have for her child.

Mother's Day is my day too.  I have children.  Still, it's always a sad day for me.  I miss the mother of my bones.  I ache to feel her arms around me one more time.  And her voice, the reassurance in her voice.  What a price I would pay to hear her say to me "It will be okay, Honey."  Sometimes I dream that I drive to our old house.  The house where I took care of her in her older years.  The house she died in.  I knock on the door with our secret "it's me" knock.  She opens the door and she smiles.  She pulls me to her.  I wake up alone.  

I was 32 years old when Mom died.  Dakota was six and Carson was only 5 months old and recovering from heart surgery.  I used to cry every time one of my children got a new tooth, because there was no one to share it with.  I've been an orphan for many years now, and time has softened the blow a little.  The loneliness is more intense this year.  I am also without husband.  

In truth, I am so grateful to the God who made me that he sent me to a mother like mine.  Through her I learned to see the beauty in the world and the people in it.  I learned to laugh instead of cry.  I learned that "you get more with honey than with sour grapes."  I learned to smile at those I meet, and to reach for my dreams.  Most of all, I learned at her knee to pray and to depend on my Father in Heaven every hour.  

I feel you with me, Mom.  I know you are close and are watching over me.  I love you and miss you with all of my heart!                                   

Dakota's 19th Birthday!

It's so hard to believe.  This child who was my first.  The first time I looked at him, right after birth, a new feeling came forever into my life.  I would not be the same after that moment.  I joined the club, understood the emotions that so many mothers had tried to explain to me before.

Dakota is my oldest child.  He has brought tears of joy and of pain to my life.  I would not give up either, nor would I trade this boy for anything in the world.  Maybe it has been within our struggles that we have bonded as mother and son.  Dakota is strong.  Stronger than most adults that I know.  In his young life, many challenges have threatened to take that smile from his face, but they have not. 

I know this is a sappy post, but there are things in my heart that are deep and pure.  My oldest son turned 19 years old yesterday.  I'm so grateful to be his mother. 

I love you, Dakota!  You make me smile everyday, and even encourage me when I need it.  Happy Birthday to you!

Yes, Master Yoda

I always tell Micah that he is a little old man in a child's body.  For whatever reason, this boy just understands.  He understands the big grown up questions, and sometimes things I can't believe. Most of all, he reads my emotions and comforts me.  He's been like this since he was a year old.  When I'm sitting quietly by myself and sad, he will come over and pat my back and say something positive to me.  He often says "I don't know what I would do without you" or "I like to get up early in the morning to spend time with you, Mom."  Be still my heart! 

Micah also says funny things like when I ask him how he deals with two older brothers, who sometimes do not get along.  "Oh, I just sit back and watch the show."  And of course, the one I posted on Facebook from President's Day this year.  I had been explaining what the holiday means and he blurted out "I can't wait until we have a woman President.  The guys keep making loopy decisions!"

All of this brings me to the reason for this post.  As a writer, I'm always searching for just the right figurative language.  Micah and I were driving in our van today, just the two of us.  Micah wanted to explain to me about his brother Carson's attitude lately.  He blew my mind with this little gem.  "Carson is like that cool rock that you see in the dirt.  The more you try to pull it out of the ground, the more you realize how huge it is."

I think I will call him Yoda.

Believing

I had a quote on my mirror a few years ago.  It said simply "Miracles Happen to Those Who Believe in Them."   I loved it, and I read it everyday. 

I'm a believer.  I believe in God.  Because of that, I know that many things are possible in life.  I've learned not to doubt the unexplained and the things I can't see or remember.  The heavens are forever, and much exists underneath them. 

I've tried to teach my children to be searchers, seekers, observers, and to keep an open mind about people and things.  How much more beautiful the world is when we take the time to look.  When we notice the small things, and wonder about them.  When we see God in everything around us. 

Of course, this belief has led to children who watch "Finding Bigfoot" and "UFO Hunters."  However, it has also led to children who watch "Secrets at the Museum" and every history and educational show they can watch.  When we go to the canyon, they notice the blue bird who always follows us, and the immense beauty of our mountains.

There is a contemporary poet who wrote that God has been hiding since the bible times.  I say, God has not been hiding.  This writer has not been looking.  There are miracles in my life every single day, and in the lives of people around me. 

Yes, I'm a believer.  And I'm so glad.

Sunshine in our souls

Even though you can't tell by this photo, the sun was out and it was so beautiful today.  I was in the van before they could finish asking if we could go to the mountains.  Sure, there was snow on the ground, and Dakota forgot to bring a jacket, but we enjoyed our walk anyway.  Love these days with my boys!  P.S. Carson was hiding from the camera.